Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
