I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
