Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
