we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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