just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
