Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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