I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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