I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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