The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
