If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
