I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
