I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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