I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
