do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
