Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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