Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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