I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
