Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
