i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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