U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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