I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
