i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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