Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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