And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
