highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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