Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
