just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Is Oprah even human
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
And then he peed in my hair
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