if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
