currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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