Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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