im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
