I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
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