My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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