WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
