Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
