By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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