Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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