Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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