Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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