If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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