the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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