I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
There r osticjed everywhere
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
