Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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