dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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