So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Girls should come with a carfax report
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
