She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
