Hey man sorry I got all grabby
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I don't deserve a penis
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
