hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
