Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
