Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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