My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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